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Witty Remarks That are Just Way Too Shrewd

Puja Lalwani
Being witty is not a quality, it is more of an art. It may seem like a task, but not after you have these witty remarks to choose from.
Everyone can be straightforward. It's being witty that adds a little spice to it Be it at work, or in a relationship, a little wit is always appreciated. Moreover, it takes a sense of humor to understand it. So, save these remarks for like-minded people, and have a good laugh together.

For Leaving Cards

We're all sick of writing the same old messages in leaving cards, when our colleagues leave their job for a new one. Sometimes we're indeed stumped, when the card finally comes to us, and we have to write a message.
Get witty, leave the mush for the others. Have your colleague actually remember you for the witty remark you left in his card. Just ensure he/she has a good sense of humor to understand and appreciate it. Here are a few options to choose from.
Simply write - Quitter!
Sad to hear you're leaving. Can I have your mouse pad and stapler?
Write a mundane message in the card, and follow it up with - The Internet says I should write this.
After you have written "all the best" or "best wishes", write - So what's your email address - you're still going to compile the sales reports, right?
I'd like to say it's been nice working with you, but that would suggest you've actually done some work.
You'll be deeply missed. The bathroom won't smell the same without you.
Now they'll know who was stealing all the stationery.
Everyone brings joy to this workplace: some when they arrive, some when they leave.
♦  I'm sorry to see the back of you - but it's better than the front.
♦ Good Luck with the new job. Have a drink on me. - Then attach an instant coffee sachet to the card.
♦ Over the years working together at this company, I have come to think of you as someone... I once met.
♦  Sorry to see you go, although obviously we'll still bump into each other down at narcotics anonymous.
♦ Say their name is Paul, put I'll never forget you Ted!, followed by your best wishes.
Congrats to the first Rat leaving this ship. Good Luck!
After everyone has signed the card, sign off with - Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?

About Men

Men, always a subject of interest for women, of course, for a variety of reasons. How we love them, and love to hate them. Just to entertain this emotion we so deeply harbor, take a look at some of these witty remarks about men (some by men themselves!).
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
♦ A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. - H.L. Mencken
♦ Guys who have big muscles, and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature. - Anonymous
♦ Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest. - Neil Kinnock
♦ Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealing with men. - Joseph Conrad
♦ Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. - Kin Hubbard
♦ Give a man a free hand, and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
♦ The bravest thing that men do is love women. - Mort Sahl
♦ When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee
♦ Men should be like Kleenex... soft, strong, and disposable. - Mrs. White, in Clue

About Love

Love, another elusive subject in our life. Whether love failed you, or you have succeeded in love, you know it's not cakewalk. Some have it easy, some don't. Take it with a pinch of salt, and enjoy these remarks about love.
♦ It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances, through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. - Fred Allen
♦ It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason, that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time. - Honore De Balzac
♦ There's a certain part of the contented majority who love anybody who is worth a billion dollars. - John Kenneth Galbraith
♦ The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. - Roseanne Barr
♦ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her. - Oscar Wilde
♦ One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. - Oscar Wilde
♦ Love's like the measles - all the worse when it comes late in life. - Douglas Jerrold
♦ Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. - Henry Louis Mencken
♦ Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. - Joan Crawford
♦ Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. - W. Somerset Maugham
Being witty may sometimes be a challenge, but you'll know where to strike after reading these. Go ahead, and tell people to go to hell, in a manner that they actually look forward to the trip. Have fun!