Funny One Liners

There are those great days, when you just feel buoyant, good and happy without a single reason to actually instigate that felicitous mood in you. You cannot understand why you are so happy yourself. And then inevitably there are those horrible days when the world seems devoid of a single reason to feel good about anything, and in the least, yourself. 

It is on one of these dark days that these funny one liners can provide some relief from the bleak hours of life, albeit in small doses. But you know what? Good things come in small packages and so do reasons to smile again.

● The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

● If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

● Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

● For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

● I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

● Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

● Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

● Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

● A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

● Success is a relative term - it brings so many relatives!

● A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

● Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

● Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

● Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

● "A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself." ~ Du Bois.

● "It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men." ~ Mae West.

● Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

● Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

● Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own.

● "If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle." ~ Rita Mae Brown.

● Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

● I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"

● Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.

● Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

● One of the ironies of life is that it's usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.

● There are two theories to arguing with women and neither of them work.

This is one of my favorite one liners from movies...

● "When women go wrong, men go right after them." ~ Mae West in She Done Him Wrong.

● You made me smile so wide........I can eat a banana side ways.

● "A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." ~ Tim Allen.

● "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor.

● It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!

● Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

● If it weren't for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

You thought everything went wrong only with you? Well, just read the following humorous one liners to understand how life harasses all your fellow earthlings equally...

● Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

● A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

● A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

● The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

● A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

● MEETINGS: A practical alternative to work.

● Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

● A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

So, here are some hilarious one liners which double as solutions to make life a little more livable...

● If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.
OR...
● Always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
And always...
● Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Be it funny one liner jokes or quotes, the best thing about them is that you do not have to wait for the punchline. Funny one liners are witty, intelligent and usually have some hidden food for thought, good enough to tickle the funny bone and the brain. So, we hope that some of these hilarious one liners got you feeling a little better again.