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Funniest Jokes Ever

Marlene Alphonse
Have you been feeling low recently? Listening to or even reading some of the funniest jokes ever can bring back that lost smile on your face. Read on and laugh your worries off...
"The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter." ~ Mark Twain
Laughter is indeed the best medicine when it comes to curing ailments related to stress, depression, etc. Though a person may be tied down by work pressure or stress, laughter adds cheer and a streak of color to his dull life. In this article, you will find the funniest jokes ever, that will make your sides hurt as you laugh your heart out.
So be it cracking jokes or listening to them, it triggers a feeling of relaxation which combats stress. Here are some of the funniest gags that are sure to bundle you up in laughter.

Funniest Jokes in the World

Who doesn't love to listen to jokes? Listening to jokes is one way to de-stress oneself. Given below are a few hilarious jokes, that are sure to have you rolling down the aisle.
➤ A business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in the hospital. "Li kai yang qi guan," says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: "Get off my oxygen tube."
➤ "Does your dog bite?"
(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog." (Scene from one of the old Pink Panther films)
➤ A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" 
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
➤ Sheikh's son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train." Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too."
➤ A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
➤ A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
➤ Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans. One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven. Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?". "Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya. First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!". "Thank God!" Joe shouts... "That is the bad news?!". "You're pitching tomorrow."
➤ Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."
➤ Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my watch, TV, iPod, and laptop have.
➤ Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?" A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead." After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

Hilarious Jokes

There are jokes for every age group, as laughter is not restricted only to the elders. Here are a few rib tickling jokes that even kids will enjoy reading and sharing with their friends.
➤ Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
Student: I'm paying as little attention as I can.
➤ What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk? An animal that stinks and stings!
➤ When is a door sweet and tasty??
When its jammed!
➤ What do you call an old snowman?
➤ The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
➤ Teacher asked: Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher: What Sign?
Johnny: The sign that says "School ahead go slow"
➤ On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?". "Just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "A lucky guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?"she asked. "No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied. The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"
➤ The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked: "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered - "I guess you'd be eating alone!".
➤ Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to, there, Johnny?" "Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."...
...The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"
➤ A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles...
...Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip...
...Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
Here were some of the short hilarious jokes that I found to be really rib-tickling. I hope you enjoyed them as well. So, the next time you feel stressed, share these jokes with your friends to cheer up your day and spread smiles to everyone around you. Cheers!